random.....

walking down this long dirt road

trembling at the thought of losing everything

you come speeding by kicking up dust

but what i see is pent up emotions and complete loss of trust

the tears start falling as the sun goes down

it feels like you left me here to drown......

I came up with this little thingy the other day and set it as my FB status (tweaked a few words when i posted it here hehe)...... its a bit emo I know lol but I still liked it none the less :)

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me, not to happy lately.

Went to a comic thing and saw one of my dearest friends (whom i haven't seen in forever) and had a little fun for once ^_^ good times!

Had a pretty severe health scare :( but thankfully it turned out to be nothing .....big release of stress there! I am the type of person who hates being a burden on others and the whole time i was thinking,
"god im gonna be even more of a burden if things go 'such and such' way"

Cancer scares the shit out of me.... My mother died while battling cancer and my grandmother is in remission from lymphoma (sp?) .....so knowing the two previous generations have had it doesnt leave much hope for me the way i see it LoL..... but that aside the whole ordeal worked out for the best ^_^

as for now, I'm still depressed, cooped up in the house with a nasty and annoying head cold....the kids are sick as well and i tried sushi today for the first time.....No idea what i ate but it definitely tasted ODD (o.o)*
okay im done for now just felt like venting a bit since im bored out of my mind

peace people ^_^ take care

blinded by the light
hidden by the darkness
the heart may not realize its might
when the winner has been chosen
windy, cold, and lonely
defeated by yourself
emotions running along the surface
with the journey and distance in and of itself
trying to regain the standing
but rocks they like to tumble
hoping to find a middle ground
to keep away the scary sounding crumbles

the sun shines brightest before the night falls....

My Lovely niece ^_^

I snapped this photo with my phone the other day, and I loved how it looked hehe.....I changed it to black and white (-ish) and left the ball original color (which was/is red)

To me the way shes looking off into the distance, it is almost as if she could be pondering life....thinking about what she will be when shes "bigger" as she will often tell me.... Of course the reality is that she was probably looking at a car or a random kid playing but the first example sounds better hehe

I often find myself doing this. I feel stuck in a circle of same things just different days. I often stare out my window at the moon. Some how it brings some sort of peace to my thoughts, even if its only for a minute. Something peaceful, something beautiful, something far away yet still longing to be admired.....okay added the dramatics there but its really how I think..... Haha.

Bleh I could go on babbling for hour upon hours but I won't I will end this with a quote:

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

random late nite ramblings of a broken hearted fool

try not to worry about the tears I cry

it will always be fine just as long as you don't say "it's forever" with your goodbyes,

there's no excuse for my selfish ways

and I shouldn't hold you down from day to day

but the feelings in my heart make it impossible to walk away

Confessions of a stupid selfish drama queen LMAO!
I don't always think things through before I say them and today that backfired big time. My inability to fully trust someone (which includes myself) was brought to my attention earlier tonight. I have pride and yet at the same time I'm so quick to run away from a situation..... I have so many scars, so many demons and I have been using them as crutches for way tooooo long..... gah I should be sleeping its 4am ......but nope my brain has decided it wants to dwell on the happenings of the past few hours........ -sigh-
Will I ever truly be okay?
Will I be happy?
Will those I love and care about be happy?
Bleh I am starting to sound uber emo....but whatever I guess its better then holding this shit in until I bawl my eyes out some more ...okay I am done for now goodnight world

work in progress

late night ramblings before i fall asleep.....not sure how much sense it makes or what i will change LOL goodnight world

an eerie hush befalls the room
the stares become unbearable
splashing tears upon the floor
staining the beautiful marble
might as well forget "a happily ever after"
for there is no such thing
and we can only lay blame on those who really don't matter
pick up the pieces
with the shattered dreams in toe
try to find a shred of happiness
in the neverending darness below
when it all seems so bleak
you never know what happens
day to day.....
week to week......

The ZOOOOOOOO

Hahahaha went to the Columbus Zoo the other day with my nephews preschool class......

WOW!!! It has been years since I have been there...but it was a fun day with the kids and my sister (minus the occasional arguments, but thats a normal day for us lol)

Saw almost all the animals there, except a few and tooooook way tooo many pictures lol.....but I have posted a few ( the one above is my niece and I at the bears....)


Both tigers in the enclosure were napping but they are still my faves :D


She was chillin on the rock, being lazy in the sun hehe


He looked like he was sad, and wanted out of there sooo bad ....poor guy


Haha the kids at the start of the day, it took forever to get a halfway decent picture lol gotta love them :)

blah blah blah

Been a while since I have really posted anything ...I have been kinda up and down, all around lately and I sort of forgot to keep posting....not that anyone really reads this Haha.....but yeah I will get back to it soon hopefully lol

much love to anyone who actually reads my junk haha :D

Happy Birthday to Me

Welp it is offffffical .... I, yes I am 27 years old today. Bleh....... boy where has time gone?

I am now the age my mother was when she passed away.....i know its odd but its sort of a milestone for me....I hope I make it past this year and that its a better one then last year....but only time will tell

Well here is a toast to 27 with best wishes and all that blah blah to myself haha

Its funny not really doing much at all for my birthday, I am such a homebody LMAO

a couple random thoughts/poems

burning souls forgotten
bright nights and darkened days
forever wandering
lost to all the old ways
love and cherish
worries that it will all just perish
they keep me in this constant state
i wish to break free
but its all just too much for me

---------------------------------------------------

this life reminds me of the fall swept leaves
falling and blowing
getting beaten up by the breeze
only to rest upon the ground
they will surely be replaced once spring comes around
will this pain linger?
i don't know
i want to find that light
and continuously grow
up to the sky
try to fly high
cherish the time i have
so that it may not all seem so bad

Nephews Birthday!!!

ahhhhh today my nephew turned six years old !! Talk about craaaaaaaazy ...... HeHe

It is really strange watching him grow up more and more each day. I was at the hospital the night he was born and have been with him ever since (minus the time the sister lived away but even then I still saw him) It is quite weird how much he can act like me >.< whether it be burping/farting or just being all lovey/cuddly, he brightens the room well unless hes being super bratty but even then its hard to stay mad lol....... I feel that way about both my nephew and niece and even my little cousin, watching them grow is something I would never wanna give up not even for all the money in the world... I LOVE my family sooooo much ...... I don't want to be without them......same goes for those select few super close friends who are irreplaceable to me....I don't know what I would do without them in my life

the photo is from the nephews party :D he was sooooo happy about his dino cake

Spring in full bloom

I love flowers and trees ......nature in general :D

we have these trees growing around my apartment complex and i love the smell and look of them :) they somehow make me smile hehe

An older poem...

Wrote this back in early 2008......

Up all night

Sleep all day

Wanting the pain to just fade away

Friends I thought were true

Yet for some reason I am feeling so blue

Stress building

Tears falling

Wondering why I even try

Waiting for the day I can just fly

away to a place where I can be free

No worries

Just Me

Park Day

took the kiddies and grandmother to the park today and had a cook out since we didnt do it on easter..... the kids had fun playing while the sister and i cooked the food

she got mad at me cause i turned her steak toooooo soon >.< bleh whatever hahahahahahaha

my granny is still losing her mind but it seemed she had fun so im happy about that.....

i will be 27 in a month but i admit i still like chasing the kids around the playground and swinging on the swings ^_^

the picture im posting with this is the kids, they slid down the slide to get away from me but i was faster and caught them at the bottom....the nephew was rushing to climb back up but i still got them hehe

Happy Easter

I dont really celebrate Easter other then getting together with a few family members and doing the typical Easter stuff with the kiddies.... but i wish you all a good day regardless :P

We didnt do the typical Easter this year....the sister and I went to the hospital and spent most of the day with my youngest sister who is in the hospital fighting her best to get better.....the kids had spent the weekend with my aunt so it was a bit strange......but everyone is doing okay just a bit strained it seems

anyways Happy Easter or Happy Zombie Jesus day (as a buddy of mine so elegantly put it ...in which laughter ensued hehehe) hope you are all well and enjoying april so far :)

April Fools!

Bleh

I can never come up with cool tricks to play and it annoys the crap out of me >.<

i know i lack in imagination but i really wanna pull off an awesome trick one of these days .....Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Rant

burning rage grows faster
screams replace the laughter
the lies build up
and fill the cup to which you will drown in soon after
numb to the pain but shelter the blame
i dont care anymore if you get burnt by the flame

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The saying goes that nice "guys" finish last right? Well I think it should be nice "people"

I mean it really is no wonder that such a saying exists, those with good hearts and pure intentions get smashed into the ground first. I guess it not only makes them fools for continuing to be the way they are but it also makes them some of the strongest people around. Though I can't speak for all but I'm guessing most would think that its okay to walk all over a person or don't even think about what they are doing since they are getting some sort of gain out of it.....but the real question is have they ever stopped to think about the other person? Their feelings? Their thoughts? Most people who are "nice" do it out of their hearts....a form of love I guess you could call it......yet its not really thought about until the end when the nice person is knocked down so far that they are of no use....

Of course that is just the extreme .......

bleh I'm just ranting, I am sorry about this long spiel and what not.....I just wonder what all the people who walk all over me without a second thought would do the moment I'm not here for them to use anymore

Busy times

Bleh.......been kinda lost in my head for a few days so I haven't really posted on here ......

I play this game and its "age" or"season" whatever you wanna call it is ending soon and I have been frantically trying to make sure our alliance ends up in top place....whether that will happen i have no idea but we shall see in the next couple days.......

i will be back on here soon hehe......gotta get back to my photo of the day :P my inspiration.....my life.......

though our paths are different
it still remains the truth
that no matter the distance between us
my love for you shines through
its painful to miss your smiles,
your tears and laughter too
but i know im in your heart
so it helps me feel close to you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been feeling very lost about a lot of things...... So many people I care about with all my heart I have drifted apart from. It is so hard to be alone yet I still have feelings of guilt when it comes to my relationships with friends and family.....damn this confusion Haha! Dammmmmit to hell........ I love them all with every bit of my heart, miss them with all my being but I'm so irresponsible about keeping in contact with them ....grrrrrrrrrr

Sky

I took this photo on halloween :D As my sister and I were walking the kids around during trick or treat......The look of the sky really caught my attention and i couldnt stop staring into the sky -sigh- I love nature for that reason, something as little as a cloud can capture my interest...I am happy the picture came out as good as it did since i took it with my crappy cell phone >.< :)

Searching for inspiration

I was looking through pictures on photobucket, i saw this and it just screams peace to me.....but of course my head started going in all different directions once i saw it lol.....

came up with this little poem start, not sure whether i will try and add to it or not.....

my head seems twisted
the hurt fading fast
such painful memories
but its all in the past
each second brings new life to me
no reason to live in constant misery

--------------


i think im going to start taking a daily photo thing haha just see what kind of inspiration i get from it hehe

2 more poems

Two more of my darker poems :\ i think i wrote these are a really Low day/night.....


Shadows are encasing me
Trembling in fear
I know all to well what happens when u have another beer
Fists and words start flying
We both will end up crying
Your lies,
My blind eyes
Will this stop before one of us dies?
As the bullet casing starts to rust
The wind is blowing both of us
The bang is heard for miles
He looks down and smiles
Pulls the trigger again
Guess neither of us will win
No true love, no true glory
This is the end of our brutal love story


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Passion is fading
The feelings are lost
Look at that flower,
its dying from the frost
He's grown cold and distant in such a short time
Would've never guessed
I'd be left behind
What happened i may never know
I just keep trying to push the pain below
The sharp cold wind reveals his sin
I dont think i will go back again
I'll move on from this space
To a warm place
and keep an unwavering smile upon my face

A Poem

A poem i wrote back in 2008, its slightly morbid some may say emo >.< (which im not) but i still love this one hehe

Cutting, Cutting
Slicing me so deep
Piercing the silence
As the blood begins to seep
These wounds that are caused
Show me all my true flaws
The Outer
The Inner
In truth, there is no real winner
Dripping tears
Pouring blood
Can you tell me?
Does a person always fear a death that is near?
Again with the silence
Doesn't anyone have anything to say ?
Especially since this is surely my last day
It gets so cold in this place
I can't see anyones true face
Maybe I just wish I could've kept up with the ever changing pace
A long sigh
A quick cough
It looks like my body has finally had enough
So for this farewell
I won't continue to cry
I'll just send my sweet gaze to the all forgiving sky
And whisper goodbye
Drift off into a peaceful deep sleep
As the last drop of blood splatters on the concrete

Random FB status i thought of....

there once was this girl i dare say she was tough but inside her heart was nothing but fluff....the tears she cried the papers she shred could never truly curb the hideous feelings of dread.....one day to the next is always a suprise never really knowing whats beyond the next sunrise

RAWR!!!

So hey all :)

I have officially decided i would start a blog....i know that its not gonna be seen by many if anyone LOL but it just seems fun for some reason....

I will prolly just post some random things and transfer some of my poems here from myspace and facebook but ehhh yeah so "Hiyas" if you so happen to look at this

and

talk to ya laters :P